I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
