God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
