I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Randomize
