Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
