hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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