So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
