we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
