ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
