another moral hangover. fuck.
handjob tips. give me some.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
