have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
