I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
