What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
