I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
True strength comes from lack of pants
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
