you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Randomize
