WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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