im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
