I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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