he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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