her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
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