living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
