Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
All I want is dick and wine.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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