then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
