I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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