Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
