Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
