Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
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