any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Randomize
