Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
