Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
don't judge my taste in strippers
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
