Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
