Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I AM VODKA MAN
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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