Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
