I just threw up on my dentist
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
