yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
