Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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