OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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