At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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