I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
