As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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