I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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