You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
So apparently I’m into choking now
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
