god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I have post one night stand depression
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
