we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
