The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Randomize
