The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
