She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Randomize
