ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
