i think my mom watched the whole time
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
