I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
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