She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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