How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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