why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
